By the end of day 3 I started getting very grumpy and tired, and felt sad that I couldn't celebrate S.'s birthday. We dressed in our costumes and gave out candy to trick-or-treaters, and at the end of the night we cuddled on the couch and watched tv with Michael, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't really want a bite of cookie.
This morning I woke up profoundly grumpy. I was very unhappy to wake up so early again, and disgruntled because we stayed at S.'s last night and I forgot a lemon to make lemon water. Class was intense, the break-you-down to build-you-up type of intense. I knew this was coming, I remember from last year, but that did not make it any easier. The final build up pose to the class is bow pose, roughly 4-5 minutes of bow pose to be exact. For whatever reason, holding this pose brings up a lot of emotion for me, and so like last year I was brought to tears, sobs really. I thought a lot about my parents, specifically my mother, and how I never want to be like her. I've vaguely thought about this before, but it has never turned up with flashing lights the way it did in class this morning. My mother is not happy, hasn't been for as long as I can remember. She was valedictorian in her high school class, but didn't finish college, didn't get further than a few part time jobs, and never really seemed to want the family life either. I cringe at the thought of becoming stuck or so desperately unhappy like her, and this morning it came sweeping out of me like I was throwing up emotions. This is all beside the fact that she has cancer.
The whole thing got me thinking about the combination of diet, and yoga, and cranberry, and acupuncture, and the program as a whole. Food seems imperative to the process, but so does yoga. Without the intensity of the classes there would be no breaking point. and yet, without the limited diet, the sugar, the caffeine, the alcohol, everything would mask the emotions.
I was happy to have the emotional response in class, previously worried that I wouldn't reach a breaking point this time around, and that I would walk away unfulfilled. Things felt calmer after the sobs, less chaotic, though not completely resolved. I cried for a while on the way home, and eased back into my day with a shower and breakfast.
Food has been largely the same. Lentils, quinoa, mushrooms, collards, and an egg for breakfast. Lentils, quinoa, peppers, broccoli, and kale for lunch. More soup for dinner. Sprouted almonds for snacks, I have not yet had a piece of fruit since the juice fast day.
Food is easy, but boring. I am not so much tempted by other things as I am missing variety. No real cravings to speak of, but I am really looking forward to croissants, pasta, cookies, and pizza.
Tomorrow is the last day and I can't tell if I am sad or relieved to see the end of the week.
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