flockprinter

One if those days when you're in an out of the bathroom crying at work, force feeding yourself the first meal of the day at 2pm, get into a fight with your best friend, find out your grandfather has lung cancer, your mom isn't responding well to chemo, and every single person needs your attention at work right this single second.

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I've been trying not to be a Grinch, but I am seriously bitter about the holidays this year (and bawling my eyes out at the sound of Christmas music to boot.) It's a long and complex story, but my family was supposed to visit for Christmas and late Thursday night the whole thing was called off. I feel a little bit like Kevin in Home Alone; left for the holidays. I thankfully still have S. with me to celebrate, but we have no real plans and everything feels up in the air. (Did I mention I can't afford to eat for the next two weeks, let alone afford to throw myself a Christmas meal?)
I'm feeling sad and sorry for myself, and am eager to find some cheer. Tonight I'm trying to convince S. to attend a showing of It's a Wonderful Life at my neighborhood retro-theater ($2 movies.) I hope that will do the trick.

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Yesterday was the 5th and final day of detox week. I woke up feeling refreshed and well-rested, and nothing like the grumpy mess that I was on the morning of day 4. Class was a restorative class with a lot of light imagery to re-fill what we have emptied. Other students expressed feeling sad, angry, upset after class the day before, and we talked about the letting go of things. Class was luxurious, relaxing, and rejuvenating. I felt fantastic afterwards, and also a little sad to see the week end. There are continuing classes starting next week on a weekly basis, it is affordable and stretches on through mid-December. I think I'll sign up.
Food oddly enough became more challenging on day 5. I longed to eat comfort foods and things that have been limited from my diet all week. Boredom may have a role to play in this. As the day waged on I thought more and more of the feast that I would descend upon today. I dreaded my lentils and vegetables for lunch, and was thrilled to have something different for dinner - S. cooked us salmon, potatoes, and asparagus, all within my dietary restrictions. And that was that, the end of detox week. I am happy to have completed the week, and do really feel refreshed and renewed after a year of indulgence.
This moring I woke up at 7am for no reason at all, cuddled and spoke softly with my sleepy partner, and then dashed to the kitchen to make coffee - my first cup all week. We ate egg sandwiches with spinach, cheese, and siracha (some things I have been missing) and toasted our coffee mugs with relief. I do want to take away a few of the food habits from detox week, but for now I am very content with having coffee and siracha back in my life.
Tonight is S.'s birthday party where we'll be serving pulled pork sliders (a vegetarian version for me,) cole slaw, potatoes au gratin, pumpkin pie, and Philadelphia Fish House Punch. I know I shouldnt dive right back into processed foods, sugar, and alcohol, but it is a special occasion. We also have a birthday date night and an anniversary date night coming up, which will both be filled with indulgence. Oh well!

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By the end of day 3 I started getting very grumpy and tired, and felt sad that I couldn't celebrate S.'s birthday. We dressed in our costumes and gave out candy to trick-or-treaters, and at the end of the night we cuddled on the couch and watched tv with Michael, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't really want a bite of cookie.
This morning I woke up profoundly grumpy. I was very unhappy to wake up so early again, and disgruntled because we stayed at S.'s last night and I forgot a lemon to make lemon water. Class was intense, the break-you-down to build-you-up type of intense. I knew this was coming, I remember from last year, but that did not make it any easier. The final build up pose to the class is bow pose, roughly 4-5 minutes of bow pose to be exact. For whatever reason, holding this pose brings up a lot of emotion for me, and so like last year I was brought to tears, sobs really. I thought a lot about my parents, specifically my mother, and how I never want to be like her. I've vaguely thought about this before, but it has never turned up with flashing lights the way it did in class this morning. My mother is not happy, hasn't been for as long as I can remember. She was valedictorian in her high school class, but didn't finish college, didn't get further than a few part time jobs, and never really seemed to want the family life either. I cringe at the thought of becoming stuck or so desperately unhappy like her, and this morning it came sweeping out of me like I was throwing up emotions. This is all beside the fact that she has cancer.
The whole thing got me thinking about the combination of diet, and yoga, and cranberry, and acupuncture, and the program as a whole. Food seems imperative to the process, but so does yoga. Without the intensity of the classes there would be no breaking point. and yet, without the limited diet, the sugar, the caffeine, the alcohol, everything would mask the emotions.

I was happy to have the emotional response in class, previously worried that I wouldn't reach a breaking point this time around, and that I would walk away unfulfilled. Things felt calmer after the sobs, less chaotic, though not completely resolved. I cried for a while on the way home, and eased back into my day with a shower and breakfast.
Food has been largely the same. Lentils, quinoa, mushrooms, collards, and an egg for breakfast. Lentils, quinoa, peppers, broccoli, and kale for lunch. More soup for dinner. Sprouted almonds for snacks, I have not yet had a piece of fruit since the juice fast day.
Food is easy, but boring. I am not so much tempted by other things as I am missing variety. No real cravings to speak of, but I am really looking forward to croissants, pasta, cookies, and pizza.
Tomorrow is the last day and I can't tell if I am sad or relieved to see the end of the week.

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Yesterday around 2pm the headaches and general not-feeling-good aches started. I ate the lentils and the quinoa, the broccoli and the brussel sprouts, I ate a small cup of soup and then a quinoa garden salad at a work event. I felt full by the end of the day and not really wanting, even though I sat next to a tray of desserts at dinner, and watched S. inhale tacos and beer later in the evening. Not once did I feel envious or necessarily crave the temptations, but I do miss going out for a drink, or having coffee in the morning. A co-worker brought in homemade pumpkin cake from her daughter's birthday and I had to ask if she could freeze my piece. While many treats and indulgent foods are unhealthy, they are imperative to social interaction in our culture, and abstaining from nearly everything puts a strain on human relationships. I remember this from being very sick, and it is no wonder to me how I stayed friendless and alone. Granted, this is merely a one week experiment with the hopes that some of the eating habits will stick (like laying low on sugar, and keeping open-minded about eating less bread/bread products) but it certainly gives me a lot to think about.
But anyway, this is supposed to be about day 3, which is today. Today is Halloween and also S.'s birthday. I can't share a special dinner, a slice of cake, or a celebratory beer with my love on his special day, and that is kind of a bummer. I'll buy him a few cookies and we'll spend the evening together handing out candy to neighborhood kids, and we'll celebrate his 28 years at our favorite place this weekend or next week, but bah! Aside from all of that, today has been just fine. Waking up is getting "easier" although the yoga class is getting harder. This morning we did a sequence of warrior I, standing lunge, warriror III, standing split, back to warrior III, back to standing lunge, and back to warrior I. Look it up, that shit is hard. Oh yeah and we did that chatturanga sequence again that goes from plank to chattarunga, to updog, back to chatturanga, back to updog, then downdog. All without coming all the way down and keeping the toes on the mat. I am sore, I am tired.
I had to eat breakfast at work today so I brought some soup with a scoop of lentils and quinoa for good measure. Lunch is lentils and quinoa and roasted broccoli and brussel sprouts again, dinner is more soup. Apple and sprouted almonds for snacks, if I am hungry (I didn't snack yesterday.)
Mentally I am feeling a bit better today, a little less fuzzy, but still largely the same. I keep trying to remind myself that technically I am only half-way through. I have been really wanting to put siracha on my lunches.

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